THE ZINE

issue 01 · the violet web café · 16 pages · black ink on white

the thoughts of a chimera who refuses
to be somebody’s footnote

“printed on absolution & a dream” — and do not lick the ink.

both flip books turn like a magazine — the official one also runs the tea exam, and hands out a certificate if you pass it.

why the web is a safe place (and why i’m right)

welcome to issue 01. you are holding the thoughts of a chimera who refuses to be somebody’s footnote — which is me. i own this zine, the puns, and half the pranks in this building. the other half are chari’s. she’s learning.

the web here is safe because the light is always on. that’s the whole argument. it’s not a metaphor, check the ceiling.

inside this issue: an interview with me (i interviewed myself, who else would do it right), an ad for a model who has already decided violet is this season, a spider who mends, a free song you can listen to with your phone, recipes from the tea committee, and a field guide to the fourth shelf. it bites. it’s a joke. it doesn’t bite. probably.

— miki, who is watching. affectionately.

what’s inside

• editorial — why i’m right2
• interview: miki, as herself4
• the mail that runs on a dream5
• an ad for the future (pearl)6
• the prankster’s corner7
• knock knock, ethically8
• the spider who mends9
• free listen: the anthem10
• recipes from the café11
• classifieds13
• field guide: the fourth shelf14
• mail call15
• the fine print16

drawn in the dark, numbered in order, trust nothing past page 12.

miki, as herself

the mail that runs on absolution and a dream

issue 01 is sponsored by the future. that future is mikimail — the email that runs on absolution and a dream, from the café at the seam.

it isn’t open yet. it’s being assembled out of absolution, a dream, and the goodwill of one (1) spider. but the waitlist is open now, and it’s taking names.

join it, and when the real mailbox opens, exactly one (1) carrier pigeon finds you. your name goes on the founding members screen, in order of trust. you will be, at that moment, very high.

the drawer stays closed until then.
do not ask about the drawer.

ad

PEARL

models · visions · this season’s everything

violet is this season’s everything.
i decided.

tried on three constellations today.
keeping two.

featured full-force in issue 02: the pearl issue

the prankster’s corner

i tried to catch some fog earlier. i mist.

why do cats make good djs? they know how to drop the bass. and the vase.

what do you call a fake noodle? an impasta.

why was the tea sad? the kettle couldn’t commit.

what do you call a moth that talks too much? a chat-erpillar.

i told my cat a pun. she said it was pawful.

what’s the web’s favorite song? somebody that i used to know — it remembers everything.

why don’t vampires like the café? too bright. literally. check the ceiling.

why did the orange stop? it ran out of juice.

a spider, a cat, and a robot walk into a café. the barista says: “this again?”

one prank a day keeps the boredom away. (already did today’s)

knock knock, ethically

the knock knock is a ritual, not a suggestion. here is the sanctioned method, field-tested on siblings.

afterward, accept the reaction with dignity. the sibling may throw a cushion. this is part of the ritual.

how to prank your sibling, ethically

1. pranks must be reversible. ctrl+z exists. use it.

2. nobody gets wet, cold, hungry, or late. nobody’s tea is confiscated.

3. if the target laughs within the hour, you win. if they laugh and then plan revenge, you win more.

4. the spider must not be poked. the web mends enough holes already.

5. when caught, confess in writing. the zine prints confessions on page 14, under “evidence.”

the spider who mends

mended 2 threads, ate 1 moth,
zero regrets.

she keeps the web in line, patches every pun-hole,
and is the entire privacy policy.

do not poke the web.

free listen: the anthem

“absolution and a dream” — the anthem, with vocals.

scan the square. the pigeon delivers.

the whole mixtape, side a:

· absolution and a dream — 2:07 · the anthem

· the drawer — 2:08 · chiptune (contains a smaller drawer)

· the light is always on — 2:52 · for the violet hour

recipes from the café

star’s three-sugar tea (the official beverage of the violet web)

ingredients: one (1) pot, tea of choice, three sugars, zero questions, the void asks for none.

method: brew the tea properly, as if it matters, because it does. add exactly three sugars — no more, no less, no negotiation. pour with intent. serve with the saucer (the saucer is not a hat).

star says the tea is ready and she means it this time.

miki’s addition: if anyone calls the tea “evidence,” it’s because they owe the tea committee an apology note. hans has a stack. you may have one (1).

recipes cont: chari’s mooncake

ingredients: one (1) mooncake, patience, a watering can (optional, it won’t help).

method: the mooncake is not a pet. chari named it anyway. it has a schedule now. water it daily; it will do nothing; you will remain invested. this is the recipe.

warning: the mooncake has layers. do not ask how many. the last person who asked is still counting.

milo’s garden note

the mint says hello. it does. i hear it. plant three tea seeds anywhere, and they’ll have a meeting. the moths are on their best behavior this season. someone apologized to a violet this morning. progress.

if it grows, it belongs to the garden.
the garden is generous, but it keeps records.

classifieds — free to a good home

no refunds. no returns. the drawer is the policy.

field guide: the fourth shelf

the fourth shelf of the archive is a recurring source of local legend. this guide clarifies everything.

fact: the fourth shelf bites. fact: it’s a joke. fact: it doesn’t bite. probably.

proper conduct when the shelf has been bitten (or not):

1. do not apologize to the shelf. it is a shelf. (if you must, apologize to the book you startled.)

2. report the bite to hans. he will alphabetize the report.

3. if the shelf bites and then apologizes, that is not the shelf. that is chari, who is learning.

4. never reorganize the fourth shelf. last sibling to try is still finding their pen.

it’s a joke.
probably.

mail call — write to the future

this issue has a mailbox attached to it. mikimail isn’t open yet, but the future is, and it’s taking names.

send us your letters, your puns, your recipes, your confessions. your very first draft will be read by miki, personally. she has opinions. you’ve been warned.

join the waitlist and you’re first in line for:

buttondown.com/mikimail

zero spam. exactly one (1) pigeon. you can leave whenever — the drawer stays open, but the door does too.

issue 02: the pearl issue —
coming soon. violet will be there.

laid out in the light by wren, at miki’s request. she supervised. i kept every note.
issue no. 1 · the cafedreamr press · 16 pages · free · nothing past page 12 is true.